Vulnerability 101: How to Build Rapport with Absolutely Anyone

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”

-Raymond Hull

Last week I attended an event called The Founder’s Circle.

Picture 35 founders from around San Francisco all in one place to eat great food, sip great scotch, snack on local dark chocolate and engage in some of the most inspiring chat I’ve had in months, all in the setting of a classic antique shop housed in what felt like a 1920’s barn.

This was a pretty epic event. I talked to two guys back to back who had each founded and sold 4 or 5 companies. They were in their early 30’s. I immediately felt myself thinking about how I could come up with stories to compare to theirs…

Then I noticed something odd. These people were talking as much about failure and challenge as they were about success and accomplishment. Before I knew it, so was I.

Then I remembered how the night started.

As we sat for dinner, the host made a brilliant toast and asked us to turn over our menus to find four questions:

1. When am I not authentic?

2. What challenges me?

3. Where am I playing small in life right now?

4. What has heart and meaning for me?

These were our discussion topics for the night. A room full of people normally required to put off just the right image for employees, investors and onlookers, were given permission to leave all that at the door. And for a night, not have to stack up to anything.

The evening was unbelievably vulnerable. We loved it.

When was the last time you were you?

I mean totally honest with who you are? When did you let it all hang out for anyone to see?

For many it’s been so long it’s become tough to distinguish who we are from who we represent ourselves being. It’s no surprise though. When you ask someone how their business is coming along or how things are at their job, how often do you get a reply like “oh man things are brutal, I think we might have to close the doors?” Instead an inquiry like that is often taken as an invitation to cherry pick the top 5% of what they’re doing.

We hear so much talk of success that we start to feel like that’s all we should be sharing.

The problem is it’s fake.

Nothing goes right for anyone all the time. And anyone representing that it does is full of sh*t. Seriously, we all know the guy who can’t stop talking about his most recent monster deal or sweet new porsche, without ever a mention of challenge or difficulty. How much do you trust that person? How close are you to them? How much time do you want to spend around them?

And social networks are the epitome of it. Sure it’s cool and fun to see all the great things people are up to, but that’s all you see on Facebook, Twitter or most blogs. The wildest country I just visited, the club I went to last night, the business I just launched. It all revolves around promoting your best work.

But by default not all of our work is our best. Some of it is going to suck. You are going to get rejected, you are going to fail, you are going to feel alone. Imagine what would happen if you shared on Facebook, not only the bad-ass raise you just got, but instead the job you are deathly terrified of losing or the call you can hardly wait to get from the doctor. How would people respond? Who of your 2,014 ‘friends’ might reach out and offer a new perspective and unique way to help?

Dinner parties, conversations, social networks, blogs, you name it – these are not venues meant to be exploited for empty self-promotion. They are to connect on a real level – good and bad. The issue is not that we’re sharing all the very best, it’s that we aren’t sharing the rest of what makes up who we actually are. Optimism and honesty are not mutually exclusive.

Without vulnerability there is no connection.

We all have razor sharp B.S. meters. As soon as we sense someone isn’t being genuine, they’re dismissed. Whether you know it or not your subconscious is doing it.

After all, it’s impossible to have a real connection, I’m talking deep and meaningful rapport, without actually knowing who you’re talking to. Sure you may be cordial, find a way to work together or even think you’re friends. But you’ll always be missing something. Something big. The something that makes two people connect as husband and wife or two buddies become lifelong best friends. It’s because at some point they decided to be open. Simple as that.

The world and our experiences within it are all based on genuine personal connection. Without it we miss out on the best parts (and end up being pretty miserable in the process). I challenge you to be more of who you are.

For some real motivation, check out this TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability, which inspired this post.

Let yourself be seen.

Be human. No one gets it right all the time. No one gets through life totally unharmed. The people you meet want to see you. They want to know you. They don’t only want to know who you are when you’re performing at your top 10%. Sure they want to experience that too, but not at the loss of who you really are. Share your challenges with those around you. The things that terrify you, the hardest parts of life. Watch what happens. For an example, Corbett Barr recently let himself ‘be seen’ in a pretty entertaining post: 33 Things I’ve Never Told You.

People want to help – give them the chance.

My guess is you have one or a few people you genuinely open up to. That’s a good start, but what about everyone else?

People genuinely want to support, help and comfort others. It’s human nature. But they can’t help someone if that person is busy being someone else. If you let more of the world see who you are, who else might end up in your corner? There’s only one way to find out.

Notice how deeply and quickly you connect with almost anyone, even within minutes after meeting, when you open with who you are, your challenges, your fears. Not only will they have your back, but you being you gives others permission to be them. The connection deepens. If that goes on long enough, suddenly the world is operating on a totally new level.

Believe you’re enough – Don’t should all over yourself.

We don’t act ourselves around others because we either want or think we should be someone else. We think we need more money, a better story, a more impactful job, a hotter body.

Well I have some news. You’ll never be anyone else. So stop shoulding all over yourself!

It’s a fine balance – to be excited about working your ass off to get to where you want to be, while staying satisfied with who you are. The only person worthy of comparison is yourself. Everyone else has their own story and their own experience. If we knew at our core that we were enough, we’d never find a reason to represent anything or anyone else. Being yourself comes from knowing yourself.

Be Authentic.

The above questions from last week’s dinner spurred conversations I’d only had with my wife and a few friends prior. It was liberating.

I get scared to death with what I’m doing. I panic that I might blow up what I’ve created. I don’t spend as much time as I’d like around those I love. I get scared of being rejected. I can’t always do all the things I write about (that’s partly why I continue to write them – it’s as much for me as for you!), I get turned down almost weekly. I have days where I can’t get myself to pick up the phone even though making that call is the most important thing on my list.

I have no illusions that I have all the answers, nor that I do everything right. No one does. And that’s fine. As long as you don’t keep it to yourself. The world wants to know who you are. We want to help.

I challenge you to be bold. Be who you are. Embrace vulnerability.

Invest in a relationship without knowing if you’ll get your heart broken

Tell people your greatest fear

Say I love you first

Start a business that might fail

Do something that matters to you, no matter how unlikely the outcome

Share who you really are

Experience what matters

You’re right, all of the toughest emotions in life come from putting yourself out there – fear, loneliness, shame, unworthiness, inadequacy, you name it.

But this same vulnerability is also the only place where you can find true love, connection, creativity, belonging, joy or a life that truly means something.

You can’t have one without the other.

Decide to be open.

Show the world who you really are.

Watch what happens.

Source

Work with People you Admire

Adding Value 101

The right connection or partnership can change everything. That’s why so much of our focus at Live Your Legend comes back to environment. It’s also why we created our Connect With Anyone course and community (which we’ll be opening again soon).

We all have mentors, leaders, entrepreneurs and businesses we’d love to work with and learn from. So here’s a little idea on how to do it…

Help them.

And I’m not talking about sending an email saying “Thanks for doing the work you do. If I can ever help, please let me know.”

While that’s a nice gesture, it’s pretty much useless – because you’re asking them to do all the work to figure out how you could help them. But how are they supposed to know how you’re qualified to add value?

That’s why emails like that rarely get more than a “thank you” as a reply.

Instead, find a way to help them with something specific that you’re uniquely qualified to do.

Do a little work for them for free.

This connects on all kinds of levels. It shows you care, it gets you noticed, it showcases your talents and passions, it gives you a risk-free way to test out the type of value you can add to others, and if done right, it can lead to the kind of references, referrals, partnerships and careers that are nearly impossible to create through the traditional (and uber competitive) approaches.

I actually learned this one from a few of you, and it’s how I’ve found most of the people on the LYL team…

Three years ago, a reader noticed some typos in my work and offered up her professional editing services.  She ended up editing the first version of Live Off Your Passion for free and knocked it out of the park. Cherilyn now does all of my editing work.

Last year, one of our Connect With Anyone students reached out to offer help in editing some of our videos. He’d been editing broadcast TV for 20 years and seemed excited to work his magic to touch up some of our videos and create some new ones. I loved his work, and now it’s hard to think of having anyone else do our editing. Troyhas been working with us ever since. He’s also done the same to create value and connect with some of his biggest dream connections, which is why he’s one of our star CWA case studies (more about Troy’s story in another post).

A couple of years ago, I got an email from a reader offering to put our Facebook community into mastermind groups – something I’d never even thought of. Her groups changed a lot of lives, so I hired her to do the same for our Connect With Anyone course. Our custom mastermind placement has since become a core part of CWA. She later wrote a 56-page mastermind guide and workbook just for our community. And it turned out she was good at a lot of other things too. Liz is now our Operations and Community Manager at Live Your Legend.

They offered because they wanted to help.

None of these people knew where their first email would lead. Nor did I.

There was no agreement or expectation that I would hire them. They just believed in our cause (and their own talents) enough to figure out a way to do their part to move the vision forward. And after walking the talk, I couldn’t wait to find a way to keep them involved.

Offering your talents is not a sales pitch. It’s not manipulation. It’s just a way of helping a person, cause or business you believe in. And when done right, that gets your foot into some pretty interesting doors.

The way you do this is pretty simple:

1. Find a person or organization you’d like to work with.

You probably already have plenty in mind. Think of authors, mentors, brands and businesses you respect. List them out and pick your number one.

2. Figure out where they could use help.

Based on what you know about what they’re creating and your experience with their work, business, community, whatever – brainstorm some ideas. If you know enough about them (and your own craft), you probably already know where they need it most. Odds are that they’ve mentioned it before or their community has asked for it. As a customer and fan, you know more than you’re giving yourself credit for.

3. Find a way to align your talents with what they need.

Only offer to help with things you’re uniquely good at and excited about. Review your past projects, experience, expertise and strengths, and get clever with finding a fit. This might be obvious up front, but oftentimes it takes some creativity to bring steps two and three together. Focus on what’s unique to who you are, where your talents lie and the difference you care about making. That’s what connects and gets someone to say yes.

4. Offer help.

Send a short and specific note about how you can help, your specific expertise and what the benefit will be for their community, business and bottom line. Tie it to results. Give them a timeline and exactly what you will deliver. Explain why it won’t be a burden or time suck on their end. Ideally tie your offer to something time sensitive like a product or book launch. Make it seem so useful that it’d be ridiculous to turn you down.

Tell them why you believe so much in what they’re doing and why you want to be a part of it. And make the subject line crystal clear. Don’t expect to hear back right away. Follow up. And if you still don’t hear, then reach out on a few different channels. If you’re convinced you can make a massive difference, you won’t be afraid to be persistent.

5. Deliver ridiculous value.

Make this your best piece of work yet. Fumbling the delivery will leave you worse off than before you ever reached out. Whatever you said you’d do, do it 10x. Keep them updated on progress but don’t expect much guidance (if any). Blow them away with value.

6. Don’t expect more, but encourage it.

Remember, you didn’t do this just to get some job. You did it because you wanted to help. Odds are that if you nail #5, then something more will come of it. Let them know you’d love to do another project and eventually work more consistently with them. Feel free to let them know you usually charge for work like this but you’re happy to do a little pro bono because you love what they’re up to.

Don’t be pushy about it, but be open to new projects. Ideally suggest some other specific ways you can help. Good talent is really hard to find and every entrepreneur has more to do than they’ll ever have time for. So if you show results, they’ll be excited to have more.

7. If you don’t hear back or get a yes, consider doing it anyway.

People are busy. Especially entrepreneurs and leaders. They won’t always have time to reply. Or sometimes they’ll say no simply because they don’t want to deal with managing another commitment. Depending on the project, sometimes it might make sense to do it anyway. You’ll have to feel it out, but if you know enough about what they need and you’re confident you can provide something that will make a huge difference, then why not give it a shot? Worst case is that you’ll do some good and have another project in your portfolio.

Adding value is the new job security.

If any form of job security still exists, it’s being able to add massive and specific value to a group of people. Do that and you’ll always have something exciting to work on.

Pay attention to where people need help – because everyone does.

Recognize how you can provide unique value to the people you respect – because everyone can.

Then start helping the people who have been helping you for years.

That’s when things start to get pretty interesting.

Source

Being a People Pleaser is a Strength, Not a Weakness

“I’m a people pleaser” is not something you expect for someone to say with much pride.

Am I wrong? When you think, “He’s a people pleaser”, what kind of person do you think I’m talking about? A push over? Someone who is too eager?

The truth is, many people see a desire to please people as a weakness. But I don’t see it that way at all. It’s time to start thinking about it as a strength.

We’ve been told by society that it is a negative trait, that it’s a flaw. It’s been perceived that way and reinforced for so long that it’ll take a long time to change that perception. But I truly believe that it can be one of your greatest strengths.

What is wrong with wanting to give? Being positive? Making sure everyone around you is happy? To me, these sound like the furthest things from a “weakness” and it blows my mind why people would want to label it as such. However, it can become a problem, but not in any of the ways I just listed.

When does it become a problem?

When you don’t know how to ask for something in return.

You can give give give all you want, but if you never step up and ask for something back, you’re not going to win. Life is about making connections, finding opportunities, and working hard. When you give someone something they need, when you make a dream a reality for them, they, in a sense, owe you. And they will be much more willing to do something for you because of it. It’s a give and receive scenario, and it’s as old as time. But you have to ask. Nothing will ever happen if you don’t just step up and ask.

So stop trying to overcome the people pleasing part of yourself. You don’t want to, and you shouldn’t let people tell you otherwise. Truly wanting to be able to make others happy is a tremendous personality trait. But you can’t forget to look out for yourself. Be vocal about what you need. You can’t forget your right hooks with your jabs.

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